I've read many articles from communication authors through the years that basically write: "Follow these 10
Steps" to be an outstanding communicator. Other sources also have lists of various lengths that if followed will allow you to communicate like you've never done before. The implication either stated or implied is that you have to re-invent how you communicate now or basically start over to develop a brand new way of communicating.

This has never made sense to me. First of all, it's impossible to compile a list of the exact communication behaviors needed by each person in all their conversations. Every conversation is too different. Each person in every conversation is unique and unpredictable.

Second, every person is a successful communicator in many situations. There's no reason to "start over" and develop a whole new set of communication behaviors. Instead, use those behaviors that are currently working for you and have worked for you over time. Focus on enhancing your current skills and learning new skills to deal with those situations in which your communication doesn't go so well. For example if you regularly have conflicts or misunderstandings with a person try this new approach:

1. enhance your current skills
   
2. learn new skills
   

Use this straightforward approach to develop your own set of "ideal" communication traits that work for you in all your different communication situations. Just don't re-invent something that isn't broke.

We’ve all had the experience of really “connecting” with someone during a conversation. Often the thought just pops into our minds. What that usually means is that each person understands perfectly what the other person is saying, each can almost finish the other’s sentences, and there exists a total lack of confusion, conflict or frustration. The “connection” that you establish can obviously be different depending on the relationship you have with the other person. But, what is clear is that connection feels good and results in the best possible communication between you and others.

The real question however, is why don’t we seek this “connection” more? If it feels good and results in more satisfying communication regardless of the relationship, then why not try to "connect" with others in every conversation even with people with whom we’re close?

It starts when we start to become more aware of our communication, and more importantly those times when we really feel a connection with another person. Consider thinking about the following questions in your next conversation:

• What am I doing in terms of my communication with the other person?
• What’s happening between myself and the other person?
  
• What feelings and thoughts am I having?
• How is the other person communicating in response to what I'm saying and doing?

If we could identify “connection” behaviors, then maybe  we could use those behaviors in every conversation to really move our conversations to another level. The behaviors may be different with different people and in different contexts, but you should be able to identity at least what you did that created a connection. As you learn about those behaviors and build on them, you can begin using them in every conversation with every person and realize more effective and satisfying communication with others.